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Article: The
Gold Coast Lurch Forget those travel itineraries; here's what really happened... A Christmas lurch around the Sea of Cortez - The
Mainland to Baja.
Day 1 - This is our first overnight drive and we'll wake with two flat tires. We'll eat breakfast surrounded by the tantalizing aroma of eggy water. The rest of the day we'll spend waiting for the tires to be fixed, with no time to go to Anza-Borrego Desert State Park. Dinner will be spent beside scenic porta-potties off a state highway. At the border, you will complete important Mexican government documents in the cold at 4 am. Day 2 - We will spend the next morning on the bus lost near Bahia Kino. At 3 p.m. we will get off the bus for breakfast on the beach. It will be called brunch, as will many other meals. We will spend the remainder of the day acquainting ourselves with the shovel technique. A few people will hurl themselves into the frigid ocean in a desperate attempt to bathe. That night, torrents of rain will help put out the campfire. Day 3 - After breakfast, we will get back on the bus. It is at this point that you will realize that you can kiss good-bye to your backpack, buried on the bus. You will also realize that tying your shoes together is a good idea after all. Hours later you will be let loose in Guaymas. We will then be herded back onto the bus to get stuck in a mud swamp. There, you will spend the night inhaling the fertile fumes of the where-the-heck-are-we-bus. Day 4 - We will skip breakfast. Instead, we will coat the bus and ourselves in mud as we push it through a two kilometer mud bridge. You will wonder what's so great about whatever's on the other side. On reaching Isla Huivulai, we will disperse in various directions in search of a nice place to hang out. Occasionally, the bus will roar past you. Later on, we will regroup at an abandoned building where we will watch the driver throw everything out of the bus. You will fall on your pack in a search for clean underwear. You will find that the hot springs is really an irrigation ditch. Day 5 - We will recuperate on the island until we can face the return trip through the mud. Arriving in Ciudad Obregon hours later, you will sample the local phone system in an attempt to tell your family that you are still alive. Back on the bus, you will spend the night amid strange odors emitted by your fellow passengers after a dinner of pea soup and veggie burgers. Smelly feet are now the least of your worries. Day 6 - You will get off the bus at 4 am in Los Mochis to catch the train to the Copper Canyon. You will be more than glad to get away from the bus after spending the night dreaming about flammable gas. On the train, you will be impressed by the first-class garbage in the aisles, as well as the first-class cup of Sanka as you struggle to look at the first-class view through dirt covered windows. Eight hours later, you will eagerly await a hot shower at the hotel Barranca. At the hotel Barranca, you will discover there is no hot water. That night, you will drown your sorrows in double Margaritas. As you return to your room, you will wonder who is the one that smuggled pot across the border. Day 7 - Discussion at breakfast will center on who has the worst hangover and who caught the hot water at 2 am. Afterwards, some will make the most of the fresh air, while those seeking more bus experience will take a tour to the next town. Some will actually look at the canyon. Waiting for the return train, you will pass the time buying baskets. During the eight hour train ride, you will be reduced to playing the spoon game. Back in Los Mochis, you will tour the biggest supermarket in the galaxy before it is time to return to the beloved bus. Day 8 - After another night spent with feet in your face and knees in your back, you will emerge from the bus in San Blas. You will eat brunch at noon, then frolic on the beach, or on a jungle boat. After deciding you could spend a week more here, you will get back on the bus for a night drive to Mazatlan. Day 9 - We will have breakfast from the bus on a sidewalk in Mazatlan. You will then attempt to see everything in the city before boarding the ferry for the worst nineteen hours of your life. This will make the Green Torture trip look like a day at the beach. You will be too ill to go to the much touted disco, opting for the floor instead. Day 10 - As the sun comes up, you puke up. Feeling compassionate, you will wake up your fellow travelers before the toilet overflow on the passenger deck hits them. Then it will be time to get back on the bus. On our arrival in La Paz, we will forget our stomachs as we race every-man-for-himself for the few remaining beds in town. Some will find pleasure in a flushing toilet; others will seek a deeper cultural experience amid the locals. Day 11 - The next morning, some weak souls will decide to spend time in La Paz away from the bus; others will continue to Cabo Pulmo. On the beach at Cabo Pulmo, we will soothe our tired limbs. That night, you will delight in the space aboard the bus with only 28 passengers. Your delight will quickly turn to dismay as you realize the snorers still remain. Day 12 - We will awake to a blazing sun. Many will find their memory short as they step back onto a boat for snorkel and swim with the sea lions. Remember, DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. After a debauched New Year's Eve, you discover you no longer care about the scorpions as you pass out among the cacti. Day 13 - After breakfast, we will get back on the bus for another drive, this time to Cabo San Lucas, a.k.a. Tourist Hell. You will be impressed by the various Mexican cultural artifacts, such as KFC and Planet Hollywood. That night, we will return to the bus for an all-night drive to Bahia Concepcion. You will now be wearing the same T-shirt six days in a row. No questions are asked about underwear anymore. Day 14 - In Bahia Concepcion, we will spill out off the bus and onto the beach. We will not budge from our places on the sand until we board the bus again in late afternoon, for a drive to the town of Mulege. We will arrive in the town of Mulege four minutes too late to catch the breathtaking sunset. Tonight, we will all sleep in our proper places at the proper time, as instructed, with no excuses for the slower contact lens people. The ongoing sound and stench display of fellow passengers will continue as you wallow on a sandy mattress. Day 15 - We will arrive before sunrise at Catavina. Here, we will wash dishes for three hours, except for those of you who escaped to the hills to admire Indian crayon drawings. We will then be quickly herded back on the bus to drive to the dump of Ensenada. After one hour, you will wonder how to pass the other three until we drive to the border at Tijuana. Day 16 - It is the end of the Green Tortoise trip. You marvel at how unnecessary showers, toilets and clean clothes have become, as well as the amazing capacity of your daypack. You delight in overcoming your fear of crowded buses. You are going home, mildly upset that you never got to sleep in the Honeymoon Suite since the same couple hogged it for the entire trip. |
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